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[May. 8th, 2007|11:26 pm] |
Right after I posted the entry, I got an email from my ECE 290 TA, Vivek asking "Where are you? Your exam is going on right now." Talk about struggles. I had thought that my ECE 290 final was tomorrow night at 7 but no, it was tonight and I was missing it. This was probably the worst thing that had happened to me all semester, the grand finale. The way I would end this semester.
Immediately I started to panic a little bit. I emailed him back but there was no response and the clock was ticking. Should I just deny ever seeing it and pretend like I had overslept or should I suck it up and go in with whatever time is left and finish the exam? I had to consider the fact that this supposedly the exam from hell and every minute was valuable in taking it because ... Professor Brown had very little grace. Millions of thoughts were rushing through me and I was shaking. But amazingly, it became clear that I needed to face the situation, after all that I JUST wrote, I needed to be strong. With a deep breath I closed my eyes again praying for God to be by me and give me strength. I calmly told Charlotte that I would be back, grabbed a pencil and paper, and left to go to the exam room.
I got there at about 7:30, 30 minutes gone and the exam was a hellish 14 questions with 5 parts each. Amazingly at this point, I am calm and focused. My goal was just finishing, don't know what or how, but just finishing what I could. Even if there were spurts of panic, I immediately caught them and resorted to taking a deep breath and continuing. Vivek then graciously told me that I could stay the extra 30 minutes and finish up my exam. I hadn't expected it nor did I really need to at that point since I rushed through the entire thing but that itself made me glad that I came in.
The thing is, I didn't study for the exam at all except maybe glancing through the material and mentally taking note what I needed to do for the exam. I was planning on starting tonight and going until tomorrow... so I basically took my exam cold. I didn't review at all. And I feel fine. I'm not blaming myself, I'm not angry or sad or frustrated. If anything, I'm calm. I have no idea why except maybe that my prayer was answered because in any other given situation, I would have freaked out, cried, and possibly hid. But.. I didn't and that even surprises me.
I'm done with this semester. It certainly has been one hell of a ride. |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 8th, 2007|04:22 pm] |
Where do I start, how do I even start explaining? At the beginning of this year, it became quickly apparent to me that I was ... yes, turning 20. That's silly right? Of course I was turning 20, I wasn't going back in time to 18 that's for sure. But it was more than the age as you probably know, it's what the age is supposed to bring and mean to my life. How long have I expected this year to come for my entire life? The sheer anticipation and excitement of how I pictured myself to be at this age was enough to push me forward through my darkest times. Of course I would be mature, already be in a relationship (because, you know, you have to wait like at least 5 years until you get married and who wants to get married late?), be a model student, friend, and daughter. Yeah, it was going to be perfect. I was going to be perfect.
I remember making that vow when Jaymes died. I wasn't especially close to him but his death touched me in some way and I'm grateful for that. It was the first death I've experienced in my life and that shook me a bit. Maybe that wasn't the right thing to promise myself but I needed something drastic to change my way of life back then and pull me out of the hole I created for myself. I can't even express those days in words but it was so difficult daily to just be alive. I needed a reason and not regretting the rest of my life was good enough. I created my mind set and could end it.
So that's what's built up for me, this was going to be the prime of my life and my moment to shine in my life... finally! The awaited moment.
However, how I pictured myself fell very far from who I believed actually was and I was beginning to realize that. I was still struggling with a lot of issues including my body and self image, my reliance of happiness through my academics, and my direction in life to name a few. Instead of accepting that perfect thought as some selfish and naive notion, I panicked. Intentionally and unintentionally, being the perfectionist I am, I set strict goals for me to reach by the time I turn 20 so I can at least be satisfied in some of those areas that I wanted.
And that's how this year started. It was mad rush to make ends meet before that fateful day hits and I would be living my third decade.
The first thing I did was to cleanse my physical self so I would be better off to tackle my inner struggles. I spent a week in January on a liquid only fast. During the fast, I felt great and that's not just a psychological thing. My skin was hydrated and the aches in my knees subsided. Also, I thought I had mentally conquered my dependence on emotional eating through this discipline. Unfortunately, I was so self satisfied that when I came off the fast, I got careless and ended it terribly only fueling my struggle. That was the first downfall and how I started off the year ... shaking my confidence that I could make things work out.
Then the next one came from the academia world that I hold in such high regards and the one that has such a hold on my personal happiness. I initially pushed myself to take 19 hours this semester, including my first set of 3 ECE courses. I got even more greedy and signed up for two jobs, many more activities including research, mentoring and initiation into HKN, and pushed myself to "fix" myself at the gym in order to return to the state that I felt I was most fit. I have a feeling that some people who did recognize that I was doing all of his saw me as some super-human and I wanted to believe it too. But those who saw how much of a struggle this regimen was for me already knew what I denied. I couldn't do it. To say that even is an understatement. I was drained, becoming even more reliant on quick pleasures, and couldn't give a good enough effort into anything. Time wasn't sufficient and even when it was, I was too apathetic to try because I knew I was failing my standards.
To my dismay, I started ditching classes whenever I could afford it, half ass studying for tests, and was pulling all nigher after all nighter from Monday until Friday. This wasn't the direction I was planning to head in. But it was the only way I could juggle everything and that's how it went on. After the initial round of exams, I scored low on ECE 413 and I had to contemplate dropping the course. This was a huge blow for me because I had to actually admit that maybe, just maybe, this was too much and I didn't want to believe I couldn't handle it. And it was the first exam that I was on the bottom of the curve and that shocked me. Although I was always fearful that it might happen, it happened and the only thing I could do was beat myself on it because I knew I understood material. Some people may scoff at me for feeling this way at my "first" failure, but it still felt terrible ... I'm sure it never fully feels fine.
So I dropped it. Even so, very little changed. And now fast forwarding to the end of this semester, I know for certain I'm going to loose my 4.0 GPA and I'm sitting here trying to digest and convince myself that losing all of the perks associated with that is OK. Not only that, that getting a C in Math, my "easiest course" is OK. That I'll survive. That it isn't that bad. That I didn't REALLY fail anyone. That I don't hate myself. To forgive myself for doing all those things to make this have to happen at the end when it could have definitely worked out. To not live in the past. I never realized how much those grades fed my heart and how greedy and selfish I've been this whole time for letting it feed me. How arrogant I've become and how MUCH humbling I have to do. How terrible I am for letting my happiness be so dependent on that one factor instead more of my family, my friends, or other areas of my life that could add to me... that I've neglected to acknowledge this whole time. How much I have yet to understand and grow .... and how much more I'll have to struggle to do that. How lucky I am to be hit with this now and how much more I have to appreciate and love... and move away from myself. And yet I can't yet until I get this all out.
I'm beginning to realize those things. It's such a struggle for me to not escape from it all and just sink everything down as well. I always have played it all or nothing and now is one of those "nothing" times. There have been countless times where I've contemplated and done the unthinkable in order to see how much lower I could possibly fall. Drink myself to death? Sure. Starve myself? Why not. Kill my body with food it doesn't need? Even better. Physically leaving? Possible. It seems like I'm just placed back were I was before I acknowledged those promises to myself two years ago. Just how selfish is that? How can I let any shortcoming drag me away from continuing on? Wallowing in myself right now is the most terrible thing to do and I'm missing a lot of things.
Through God, I'm hoping to be stronger and combat struggles. I know I don't talk about it much and I don't really feel comfortable with how my relationship or understanding of faith is with God but there's not a day that goes by that I don't think, silently cry to Him. To give me that understanding, to make me let go, to help me become stronger, to let me love myself so I can love others. In my mind I always wanted to be seen as perfect so I could just be loved by everyone. Obviously, that isn't possible and I feel that I've been depending my happiness on all the wrong things and understandably failing at those that aren't possible to attain. That perfection is fake and I want to be honest from now on. I've been so focused on my own end that I haven't been able to give more of myself to others, my true self to others because I've been scared because I'm so far from that perfection. But it's about time to drop that facade and goal.
To say it conclusively, this year has broken me. My goals for this year have been completely trashed. I haven't even started up on relationships. And I haven't even turned 20 yet. I still have moments now where I think I could have done it if I only tried harder but for now.. I'm just going to breathe and live. I'm going to just take things as they come and actually mean it. And actually TRY. LIVE. Fail. I'll probably say many of these things again, write another hundred journal entries highlighting similar struggles and maybe even backtracking on progress more but I'm going to at least try for now and when that comes, I'm going to have to try harder. Through this all I was able to evaluate my motives and learn from them and I just hope I continue to grow.
It's not the end. |
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| It's been a long time hasn't it? |
[Mar. 27th, 2007|03:35 am] |
Wow, I didn't even know this thing was still alive and running. That and my old journal (http://fubaish.mikomi.net/blog) -- the layout gives me a headache now. Hahaha. It does make me feel really nostalgic. I just want to return to those times but reading my entries, it didn't seem like those times were easy either. I love to bitch on this thing don't I?
Well since I want to procrastinate and no one reads this anyway, LET THE THOUGHTS FLOW.
Let's fast forward through this past year. My family no longer owns a restaurant but I'm still worried about how we're going to make ends meet. I'm a sophomore now and almost 20, still have the immaturity of a 12 year old. I'm still at ISR, still in school, still going through the same routine. I've gained plentiful of weight this year due to a crappy eating schedule and stress. I'm officially pulling all nighter after all nighter (MARATHONNNN!!) and still finding myself barely making it through. I cut my hair, got rid of the stupid fear of looking like a boy. I've become ... somewhat? religious. Gotten closer with my mom, farther from my dad who's in Arizona. Same girlfriends, thank goodness. Random random thoughts.
This past year I can honestly say I’ve fallen hard. In short, I’ve almost given up on life and made countless acknowledged mistakes. Slowly the energy for living I had, the vibrant curiousness and willingness to go beyond what was expected had escaped me. I’ve been living an empty shell, doing just enough to keep on living and stay above drowning. This is bad. Just the feeling of hopelessness is bad itself, I don't know what I've been struggling with and if this is even normal, but I feel it all the time now. It may be due to the fact that I'm not doing so hot in any area of my life right now. School: couldn't take 19 hours, dropped a class (UGH), definitely will NOT maintain my 4.0 this semester (I am screeewwed and I have yet to accept this fate), started skipping or sleeping in classes (?!?), and pull all nighter after all nighter trying to get HW done and still being so far behind. Friends: I'm never around, we don't really hang out with each other because everrrryone is busy, and when we do, it's always the same thing. Meh. Family: .. This area's not so bad but I miss them so so so much. So much. Physical health: OK, let's not even start. Not only did I stop working out, I've gained weight eating crap because I couldn't eat regularly, stress studying and the all nighters and energy drinks are draining me, my knee is in really bad condition and it hurts just to walk (but I'll never admit this because I MUST go to CRCE), I also now have coughing fits and it's irritating. Mental health: I'm a wreck. I'll never admit it the darkness sometimes fully. Activities: Let's just say my motivation for actually doing things is MINIMAL. If I signed up, I do minimal work or just don't do anything. Lame and it's a really bad reflection on my part. Relationships: Let's not even start... With all of that, it's hard to keep hoping for the best.
Whew. Yeah. That was good. I want to kick myself for overloading this semester SO MUCH. And still, I'm STILL procrastinating. The only good thing about this is that at least I know I'm human but it's frustrating when you are your worst enemy and you are getting in the way of your own goals. Reading above makes me sound like on the verge of DYING but I'm sure I'm over dramatizing it a bit. But it doesn't feel great for sure. I'm so lucky just to have what I have right now sustained.
And yeah, the RA thing? I definitely DO NOT WANT THE JOB. The class is lame, it's taking more time out of my week than I can afford, AND I might also not get an A in the class because of lack of participation. How. Lame. That should be the last thing on my mind but no, it's really part of the big mess that I've created above.
I don't want to focus TOO much on the bad. There are good things in my life that are sustaining me. Let's try to recall the things I should be thankful for. My friends... have been so supportive and caring of me this whole time. Just little things like getting me food when they know I haven't eaten, hugs, words of encouragement is enough. I love them without a doubt. Sometimes, frustrated with the relationship but overall extremely grateful. I have people in my life who really really really love me and that itself makes me smile a little. It's like why? I'm not that great of a person. I mean, reading my bitch paragraph above proves that I have many many problems and yet people are willing to take in me, bitching and all, fully. I give my parents and friends props. It must be hard dealing with my crazy mood swings or even me in the state that I am right now. I. AM. SO. LUCKY. I hope everyone can say the same. What else? I have a job for the summer, my brother is growing up before my eyes, I got into the T&M minor (something I really really wanted), I'm.. alive and still kicking and fighting. I have music. I have .. God? That seems a little questionable now even though I believe I do, but I definitely don't feel it right now. I have the sunny days (like today) that put me instantly in a good mood.
Yeah, I do have a lot of good things. I want to see those more than the bad, but it's so easy to just feel the terrible things that are happening and gloss over the good ones.
I'll be OK. Before, I wasn't so sure, but I think everything will work out. At the end, I still have a tiny tiny bit of hope left still, always.
Hmm should I even post this? Meh, what the heck. Time to study anyway. |
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| Almost there... |
[Apr. 24th, 2006|09:44 pm] |
Ah it's almost the end of the year and I'm letting myself go until the end. That means uh, not being stingy about exercising, eating, school work, people, etc etc. I don't care anymore. It's too tiring to have that all weigh down on me anyway, I just want to do what needs to be done and get it over with. I just want to do what I want to do, the bare minimum of what I have to do to finish off right. I'm not proud that I'm resorting to this but I really tired. A bit worn out and this is it for me, I gave it my all and this is the little bit I have left until I push hardcore onto finals. I get one week of rest (AKA SLEEP THE ENTIRE WEEK) and then I have to start working again. I can't wait actually, anything ANYTHING to get me away from school work.
It already took a big part of me I think, I've never worked like this in my entire life. Not to say I worked or studied all night or anything, which I didn't. But I'm just sick of it all and I'm really impatient. I don't caaaarreeeeee about anything except 1. friends, 2. school 3. school ending. That's it. :( Meh. |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 29th, 2006|02:43 am] |
"One day at a time--this is enough. Do not look back and grieve over the past for it is gone; and do not be troubled about the future, for it has not yet come. Live in the present, and make it so beautiful it will be worth remembering."
I really just need to keep reminding myself of this quote. Every day. I'm wearing out already and I've been back what, two days? What the hell am I doing? It seems like the problems never leave me, they're still here waiting for me when I come back and even though I tried to escape a bit during break, I knew it wouldn't be long term. And it's all petty stuff, petty stuff I stress about, things I cannot do anything about, people I can't do anything about, wanting the best for people but realizing that I'm pretty much helpless. And seeing the future a couple months from now, it stresses me.
And yet, I must live in the present, forget the past, and not gripe about the future. There are so many things on my mind right now, some many things. So many things in the present I worry about or things that just aren't going right and making me feel sick to my stomach. And I know they'll pass, they will. They always do but in the moment, that's not easing the sickening feeling.
Friends, what the hell happened? Give it time I guess. School? I'm barely there. I feel like I'm slipping but dammit I can't let myself. I want this so badly, I'll never forgive myself if I screw that over. It's actually one thing I can control. I just need to be there. Formal? Charlotte wants to go, I promised her I would but ugh I really don't want to and she'll probably kill me if she found out. I don't like.. uh.. the fact that we're expected to have a date but at this point we don't and I don't like dances period. It's more of a problem than I thought but I'm going, I promised her and I don't care, my word always holds. Period.
You know what kills me the most? False hope, and I have a lot of it. When people tell me that they'll do something with earnest expressions and those trusting eyes, I believe them. No matter what. I believe them. You think I'd learn by now if someone fails to do something over and over then I would just assume the next time would also be a failure, but I never do. I always have hope that they won't. And it hurts every single time it falls through. But I let that happen over and over and over. And I also give myself false hope too. I torture myself with the whatifs and overanalization of situations so I can turn them in my favor. And I can't control it because I like giving myself false hope because without it, I really have nothing.
And I've realized also that this LJ is pretty pathetic because I only write in it when I'm down, no other time. So I must seem like such an emo kid but I think that this LJ no one reads for updates about my life anyway, this definately is not an accurate description. I'm always laughing, how can that person and the person from here be the same person? They're at different times.. this LJ is like a venting place.
Okay. Sleep is good right now. I don't want to die. |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 22nd, 2006|03:10 am] |
我的胃痛。我好笨啊。为什么？我为什么要这样之？
Okay... I failed. Time to start again. |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 21st, 2006|02:03 am] |
I'm back home. WHoohoo. But.. I'm watching my brother for two days. So I guess I won't be going anywhere for a couple days. It's a drag but seeing my parents struggle, I'm willing to put up with it. It just seems unfair sometimes no? But then, I realize my inconvience is nothing compared to what they have to go through, what they have to work for. It's even hard for me to comprehend but from what I can see, there's nothing but compassion. Nothing but, I'll do my best to help.
By the way, I suck. Majorly. I think I'm falling apart or going crazy or all of the above. I really need this break. I lost my wallet at Woodfield (yay!) and then someone must have picked it up and decided NOT TO BE A NICE PERSON and used my credit card. R(*$()#*. But it's my bad, so now I have many many many other problems on my hand namely I need to get a new drivers liscence and how the hell am I going to get back to UIUC?! I'm a smart one. And I have other issues I won't get into but I really need to shape up before I go back. I've also been binge eating a lot lately which I know isn't good at all. And I know it's due to stress and whatnot so I have to stop. But my parents seemed happy to see I gained weight. But I definately should shape up before I get back, fix up what I'm doing wrong, and start fresh, new, and motivated.
So I guess for this week, I'll just be at home for the most part. I'm kind of sick too. I just want to just lye here for awhile, not move, and then rejuvinate before I go back. Give me time. I'm done hating on myself, running away from things, it's time to move on. I want to. So when I start the second half of spring semester, I'll be refreshed, whole, smiling, determined, optimistic... yeah. I will by the end of this week... |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 3rd, 2006|12:18 am] |
Okay, forget it. I have no right to bitch.
Ignore that entry below. Seriously, I just needed to get it out but now I'm a bit more rational.
I'm embarrassed, honestly. I hate seeing myself complain. It's a nasty thing. I can do better than that anyway.
I'm not dropping, that was completely irrational to even think of. I'll just pull it up if I have to and everything will work out. I know it will :).
But it has taught me that not everything will go my way all the time. I do appreciate when it does now. Appreciate it very much.
Also it's taught me how much my well being is put on grades. It's so pathetic. Why should my happiness depend on whether I recieve a certain letter grade or not? But it is, that's sad. I don't want to have such an attachment to something like that. |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 2nd, 2006|02:07 pm] |
Since I just need to get this out, I will.
Yesterday's test was a disaster, in my opinion. I don't know what I got yet but I know the solutions and I know how rushed I was. 10 questions in 1 hour may not seem a lot but for math calculations and proofs, it was a horrible time crunch. I wouldn't have minded it IF he'd stopped us at the hour and made everyone turn it in, then I would have been on even plane with everyone. But he didn't. I had lab right after so I couldn't just skip lab, especially since my lab TA made it clear that if I were to show up late, I couldn't do the lab nor hand in my prelab. So I was stuck between choosing to finish the test or being late. Well, I did both.
I was late for the lab and I rushed through all the problems constantly thinking about the time. And I screwed up. I read too hastily, skipped important parts (wow. I'll never ever downplay the importance of reading through ever again), rushing the answers, just so I could leave and that was a big mistake. A huge mistake. I ended up misinterpreting, getting only parts of questions kind of right, missing key points that would have helped. I don't know, it was a disaster. It felt like a disaster in the moment too.
The thing is, everyone got more time than me to do the test. I had to leave to lab but when I left, it was way past the hour and he didn't stop us. So everyone got more time (I'm thinking half an hour more...) than me. I just .. I'm upset because of the fact that I had to feel like that. Feel rushed and then leaving knowing that other people had an advantage on me and that if the test was on a curve, I'd be at a disadvantage because they had more time and I didn't.
My options are to stick with it until the end (I know I could still get an A if I worked like a dog) or just drop the course. The most pathetic thing is that I know the material. I just can't read. If it was that I didn't know the material, I would just drop the class like that, no questions, no use going into a disaster. But I do know the material and this just completely kills everything about equity that I thought I would be given. So if I drop it, I would feel so terrible because I've already learned the material and put in the time and effort to do it. But if I don't drop it and I can't get the grade I want, then that may be worse. This definately isn't supposed to be my hardest class but somehow it's turning out to be more and more so.
I can't do anything until I know my grade. I just feel helpless. And stupid. And hating myself for all those careless mistakes. I fell. And I can't just lie there, I have another test coming tomorrow that I need to take. It's like I finally got a dose of reality. It was definately too good before and now I got hit hard and I'm just in shock because I didn't see that condition coming at all.
This is ridiculous. Okay, stop bitching. I only should bitch at myself anyway for my carelessness. Gosh. |
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| Last round |
[Feb. 25th, 2006|10:15 pm] |
Well it's Saturday night and I'm here writing in this because I really want a break from studying Discrete. I have one more week. One more week. And then I get a week "off" .. I can't wait. I seriously have never felt so impatient in my life. I've never worked so consistantly in my life either and I think it's starting to frail a little. Just a little. I've been taking more and more breaks because I just can't sit there and look at material anymore.
When I went back to get my citizenship finalized (I'm not a fob anymore, boo..), I just started tearing a little randomly because I didn't want to come back to campus and face all the load that I had left. And a part of me thinks of myself as weak because I should be able to handle it and if I don't, I've failed in some way. And I definately cannot fail. So it's pathetic, one side I see myself breaking up, burning out little by little but in the whole, I know I should just quit bitching and just do it. Nothing is going to wait for me. I can't just pity myself because everyone has work, a lot of them have more than me. So even if it hurts, drains me, it's nothing relatively. As a whole.
And I hope people around me do what they're supposed to do so I don't have to worry about them either. That worry comes automatically if I see them being drained out as well due to everything around them. But I don't want them to hide it from me either. I just want to hope that they'll take care of themselves. And I'll try to be there. I'm losing time but I'm here still. I can sacrafice more time, people are more important.
I'm wondering now, would I pick academics over my friends or my own self good? I don't think I would. I don't want it to ever come to that and if it is, the grades aren't worth it anymore. I want the grades and the achievement but there's a line to what I'll sacrafice in order to get it. But right now, I think I can have both. I just have to give up my personal free time, which is okay. I'd rather give that up than either of the above two.
Next week, I really want to go out and just have fun. Let myself go a little bit. The thing is, my friends all aren't going with me I don't think, so the fun then kind of decreases there. I don't know if I should go or not. I mean, I only have this one week off, if I don't do something next weekend, it won't happen for a very, very, very long time. For now, I think I will, because personally I need it to balance out what I did the 3 weeks before. Work hard play hard. |
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| First round of tests DONE! |
[Feb. 17th, 2006|04:35 pm] |
I got through this week, it seemed so long. I'm so tired. It was my first string of tests which weren't too horrible but still a lot harder than last semester. For each test I basically sat there the entire time going through my answers. I've definately learned not to rush things. Econ was a lot trickier than I initially anticipated and I discovered that I wasn't thinking correctly the first time around sometimes. That's a bit scary that the time constaint can make or break you. If anyone had more time, of course they'd be able to realize their mistakes, but what if I didn't? I would have definately done a lot worse. Scary.
Oooh and I gave blood today!! It was my first time and I was really really scared but I wanted to do it because I'm pretty sure I have O blood and I'm think they would like it. I prayed that nothing would go wrong in the process to stop me from donating and even though my blood pressure almost kept me from it, I eventually got my heart pumping right. I was really scared. Just seeing other people go through it before me made me feel a bit queasy. I was expecting it to hurt and be gross but it wasn't that bad at all. My blood came out pretty fast (6 minutes?) filling up a pint. I can't believe it was my blood that was going into that bag. It's just so weird to watch but kinda cool too.
I'm so tired of school. I have my ECE (BIG BIG) exam next week and I'm scared for it because we're getting less time than usual, no calculators, just a few sheets. Screw it, I'm shutting myself in for the weekend. HAHA. Sad little life I have right now but I kind of like it. I have a balance of my life, my friends, my school work, my exercising. I like it the way it is now. :) |
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| Much needed update |
[Feb. 10th, 2006|05:17 pm] |
So, my other blog died, which is okay. I'll just write here temporarily until I actually get time to build a new site which will probably be during the summer.
I'm so busy now but I love it. I'm taking 18 credit hours this semester which is just another class basically added on from last semester but it's harder for me. I'm always stressed and constantly doing homework just to get what needs to be done and turned in and understood over with. Still, I'm still going to work out every night as sort of a reliever. This is a continuation of my resolution last year. I'm not quite sure still what my resolution was this year but I just want to become even better rounded. Physically fit, emotionally sound, and educationally intelligent. I guess I really should work on the social aspect of myself now that I think about it, since that seems to be the most lacking.
Sometimes I'm scared of burning out since I continue to push myself without much of a break. I'm running more now too, so I'm burning off all my stress at night anyway. I can run for awhile now, but I still have a lot to improve long distance wise but I can't believe a year ago, I couldn't even run a mile straight.
And what else? Nothing really going on otherwise. Valentines day is coming up! At the beginning of the year, I guess I sort of wanted to find a guy as soon as possible but now, I'm becoming more and more indifferent. I'm too busy and working too fast to let that slow me down. Even though finding a capatable one would be really nice but I don't meet that many people in general, much less guys. I'll just continue to be patient, it's just another day. I don't want to rush myself or force it to happen when it just won't. I guess single life suits me so well like it's been doing for all my life. Yes, a bit bitter, but nonetheless I think it was for the best and I'm sure whenever it does happen, it'll last for a long time and it'll be right.
Take care. If you want to talk to me, just IM me. I'm really really busy now a days so don't take it personally when I can't talk to you one on one for very long. I miss that with people but I still want to know what's going on, but you'll have to let me know :)
Have a great valentines day. |
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| Best years of your life? I'm ready to move on. |
[Apr. 14th, 2005|07:09 pm] |
No this isn't my journal but I have to vent quickly before I cram for another couple hours of AP crap. And since no one knows about this place yet, I'm FREE to just GOD SAY WHATEVER HELL I WANT. Screw filtering.
I WANT TO GET OUT OF SCHOOL. It's no secret and it's become so close that I can almost taste it and I just cannot WAIT. I'm not all sad like some people. Sorry. I'm not planning to cry much either because I just want it to be over. I don't think I've ever wanted something to be over so badly. Once I get out of here, I can actually START my life. It's a weird thought but that's basically what it's come down to. This has made me moody and bitchy and just plainly.. bitchy.
Yes. My impatience. I don't mean to be honestly but obviously I must be one and I can feel that I am because I constantly snap at people. It's like if I just get it done it might be over quicker but it doesn't. It's not like that and it makes me impatient and annoyed quicker. Yet its so close. So so so close.
But APs first. I shut myself basically from the entire world to study and I don't care about the repercussions. Sp? No I don't. I know what I need to do and as draining it is to stare at textbooks and notecards for 5 hours straight a day, I'm going to do it. Geek, loser, antisocial. Yes, I am. Congradulations, you've narrowed it down. Now let me study please?
Saddest request ever.
My interview.. don't know how that went. I want that internship so badly. So so badly. I'm pretty determined and passionate about what I want and don't want and yeah. It's bad to some degree because I sound obsessive-compulsive. I want it. Psychology term. One of my notecards. See how it all interrelates?
I think now I've realized it doesn't matter anymore. I don't have to change myself or life up to anyone's expectations except my own. Finally. Go me. Self actualization. Maslow? Rogers. And it's like HAHAHAHAHAHA I don't have to listen to you anymore stupid society. And now, I'm starting to find what I don't like about things and like about them. I can absolutely say "wow that's irritating" or be utterly immature without thinking twice about what I sound like or who I'm saying it to or anything and it's beautiful. And I know it's going to catch up on me one of these days I say the wrong thing to the wrong person but hey, I'm enjoying it. Actually that happened today, I thought I was so right but yeah turns out I wasn't at all and was leading everyone down the wrong path but hell, I felt bad about it until now. I don't feel so bad. HEY I LISTENED TO MYSELF. FOR ONCE. HA. Not listening to anyone but me. Sounds selfish but I've never done that in my life and it feels good to be selfish for once.
If I don't want to talk, I won't. Awkward silence? Not my problem. Heh, watching people squirm but me, completely fine with it all and it's just funny. But no, of course I have to talk a little. Yes, that's the "must do" about awkward silences. If I want to talk, I will. And the teacher glares at me and I can only make a goofy smile that reflects some 9 year old girl done giggling about something utterly stupid.
And yeah, nothing is being filtered. Or changed. Or whatever. I can't believe how many times I typed "I" .. no it's not all about me. But now it is. Or at least, now it's all down to where I want to be or do or go and if I don't grasp that now, I don't think I ever will. In some ways, I pity the younger me for being too nice. Too sweet. Too naive. Yeah no one noticed what I wanted or if I ever had an opinion. I never got what I wanted and its sad to think bitchy is the way to go but slowly it's come to that. There we go and I don't think anything can really stop me now. |
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| Livejournal cavein |
[Mar. 2nd, 2005|10:03 pm] |
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... So Sarah finally converted me over so I can read her locked entries. No, I'm not posting in here!! NEVER. Okay maybe I will. Who knows. LJ seems kinda coolish. Not anytime soon though. |
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julbai's journal